Everything's Not Lost
by DectectiveKettle
Summary: what if Merlin had been prepared for Morgause? What if he knew how to save Morgana? What if Morgause left? Alternate ending to The Fires of Idirsholas. rated T in case.
1. Everything's Not Lost

**A/N: Not a song fic. The chapter name is usually that of the song that I was listening to on repeat (I find it helps me concentrate) and the song can be slightly indicative of the contents of the chapter. May be misleading though, given that I was in fact listening to Carry You Home by James Blunt, but thought Coldplay was more apt for this chapter. Here's a little taste of why:**

_**When I counted up my demons,**_

_**Saw there was one for every day,**_

_**With the good ones on my shoulders,**_

_**I drove the other ones away.**_

_**So if you ever feel neglected, **_

_**If you think that all is lost,**_

_**Well I'll be counting up my demons,**_

_**Hoping everything's not lost.**_

**So yeah. That's the explanation of the chapter names.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of its characters; they are the property of the BBC. I do own all OCs though.**

**Review, please. All concrit is appreciated.**

She was coughing, retching, trying anything to keep herself from shutting down, the poison burned at her insides, searing her throat, robbing her of her life. She glared accusingly at Merlin, who refused to look back at her. He had betrayed her, she knew it. Why would he do this? He was her friend, a good man, not a murderer. While she felt as though she didn't deserve this, she knew that there must be a reason for it. The Merlin she knew wouldn't just kill her. Wouldn't poison her like one would poison rats, like an infestation.

She choked again; she couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't even make a sound. Now he turned around; his eyes burning with guilt-ridden tears, his body shaking from his sobs. He took her in his arms; she tried to fight, but he tightened his grip and she relented. She sunk into him, her whole body shaking as she inhaled her last breaths.

There was a great crash from behind her, and she the door of the chamber come crashing down near her. Then she was taken out of Merlins' arms and into another's. She looked up and saw Morgause, an anxious expression contorting her face. She was furious too, glaring vindictively at Merlin. Then she looked down at Morgana, eyes turning soft again. "what has he done to you?" she whispered. Now Merlin was angry.

"You left me no choice!" why was it Morgause's fault? She felt herself slipping out of consciousness, out of life, but fought to hold on. She felt her magic fight against the poison, clinging on to dear life. She opened her mouth to speak. She could only make a small choking sound. It alerted Merlin and Morgause, and they crowded around her.

"What is it?" Morgause asked gently, cutting off Merlin's attempt to speak. Another time she would have laughed at Merlin, but right now she needed to ask him something.

"Merlin…" she gasped. Morgause glared at Merlin once again. She interrupted her quickly, "There's no time for this Morgana." She turned back to Merlin. "You poisoned her. Tell me what you used and I can still save her." She looked almost pleading now, and Merlin understood what he had to do. He pulled Morgana away from her and into his lap. He could still hear the ruckus outside, and knew he had to be quick. Morgause made a move to take her back, but Merlin raised his hand threateningly.

"You don't know what I can do." He growled. Morgause looked confused, but backed off. He shuffled around and pulled a knife out of his boot and placed it gently against Morgana's neck. This distressed both Morgause and Morgana, the latter of which had sense enough to stay still. Merlin felt terrible about doing it but he pressed it down hard enough until a drop of blood appeared on Morgana's neck. Morgause looked livid but Merlin stared her down. "Stop the knights and leave or I'll kill her."

A single tear rolled down Morgause's cheek. "She's going to die anyway. No give her to me and I can save her." Merlin looked her straight in the eye. "And I can save her too. I'm not exactly unprepared. Now leave." He pressed the knife harder into Morgana's neck. He glared with all his might. "LEAVE!"

Morgause looked bitter, but stood, muttered a spell, then disappeared into a whirl of dust. Merlin turned his attention back to Morgana. He had to be quick – he could hear Uther stirring, and no doubt Arthur would return soon. If he wasn't dead, he considered pessimistically. He took the knife off her throat and began muttering spells, waving his hand above her body. His eyes flashed gold briefly, not representative of the complexity of the spell. Morgana coughed and spluttered back to life, grabbing hold of Merlin, not caring about his past actions, sobbing uncontrollably. Merlin held her back, his own eyes full of tears, tears of guilt and pain, of sorrow. And for a moment, just a moment, neither cared about the rest of the castle, the village or the world; for a moment the world revolved around them.


	2. Yesterday

**Thanks for all your reviews, I really do appreciate them (and it motivates me to write). There's a slight gap between the last chapter and this one, but only a few hours. Morgana's passed out and is still weak, but that's really all that's happened in the meantime. This chapter is from Merlin's POV, and I think it can be assumed that the POV will switch between him and Morgana every chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters in this story (apart from OCs, of course) they are the property of the BBC. This is purely a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events or persons is coincidental.**

**Enjoy! :D and review. **

_**Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. **_

_**Now it looks as though they're here to stay,**_

_**Oh I believe in yesterday.**_

_**Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,**_

_**There's a shadow hanging over me,**_

_**Oh yesterday came suddenly. **_

…

Merlin sighed as his head thudded against the wooden doorframe. Why did all the shit always happen to him? He could only wonder, but no amount of wondering was likely to answer that question for him. There were a number of things on his mind, not least of which was then dragon lying below the castle, waiting to be set free. For the first thing, Merlin could scarcely believe he had agreed to set the LAST DRAGON free, all the time knowing full well he would try to get some form of revenge on Uther. It did seem a bit pointless – saving Camelot from Morgause to only let the Dragon wreak havoc on it. At the same time, he tried to reason with himself – surely the Dragon, having lied to Merlin about having to kill Morgana, was not worthy of being released? He shouldn't have to keep his side of the bargain if the Dragon had misled him. He remembered what he was risking, and then realised that it was hopeless. No amount of reasoning would convince him to sacrifice his mother for Camelot's sake. No matter how selfish of him it was. This judgement then left him only to ponder how and when he was to free the Dragon, given that he had been extremely lucky to get past the guards thus far. He was interrupted in his reverie by Arthur, who seemed bored and wanted to take it out on Merlin.

"Merlin! What have I told you about standing around?" Merlin looked over at him. He must be truly bored to use that excuse to amuse himself. When he looked though, Merlin saw that Arthur seemed to be truly in need of assistance. He drew in a breath and shuffled away from the wall.

"There's always something to do." He said, forcing a hand through his unnaturally tidy hair, messing it up again in the process. He looked up at Arthur again.

"Exactly. And, as you'll no doubt be glad to know, the Lady Morgana is awake, so I suggest you make yourself useful and go and get her some water. Or is that too difficult for you?" He seemed proud that he had managed to fit in two, if slightly rubbish, insults.

Merlin looked unamused and unsurprised. "Yes, sire." He paused, waiting to see if Arthur wanted anything else done, and was not surprised when Arthur spoke again.

"And when you've brought that up to her, you can clean my clothes, tidy my room and polish my armour and boots." At this Arthur walked off, leaving Merlin to his chores. The only positive thing that had happened in this god awful day, Merlin mused, was that he didn't have to muck out the stables.

Morgana was surprised, and only slightly bitter, when Merlin came up with her water, and he departed without having once made eye contact with the lady. Despite their "moment" hours previously, he knew that she still probably hated him and would never trust him again. He hated himself for poisoning, but he knew that there wasn't any other way to stop Morgause's onslaught and to save the lives of Arthur, Uther and the rest of Camelot. At the same time, he still couldn't totally justify his actions, and felt as though he deserved to be hated by Morgana. He still didn't understand how and why Morgana had become so important to Morgause, but he assumed it was because of Morgana's role in the attack, rather for any other reason. Morgana had been Morgause's living constant for the spell she cast on Camelot, but how had that happened. He knew that Morgana distrusted, disagreed with and perhaps hated Uther, but he didn't think that she would sacrifice the whole of Camelot just to be rid of him.

The matter seemed altogether too complicated for him to grasp, so he tried to lay it to rest. Regardless, it continuously bothered him during the monotony of his chores. Why had Morgana done it? Why would she risk Camelot? WHO IS MORGAUSE? Try as he might, he couldn't find a realistic answer to any of these questions and pondered instead on his upcoming deed – the one deed he didn't think he was going to be able to bring himself to do, even with his mother's life on the line. Even though he had to.

After his dinner, he made his way, for likely the last time, down to the cave where the Great Dragon was trapped. He had under his arm one of the swords of the knights of Medhir, which, he was led to believe, was the only thing that could break the Great Dragon's chains. The Dragon knew he was coming, and awaited him patiently on his rock. Merlin stared upwards at the Dragon, and finally built up the courage to talk.

"You lied." The dragon cocked its head curiously – he had not been expecting this. "The Lady Morgana is alive. Camelot is safe. You said I had to kill her! Why?" He bit his lip as he waited for a reply. The Dragon almost laughed at this.

"Merlin. I had to do say what I said to make you do what you did. The prospect of her death was the only thing that could make you do that." Merlin looked a mix between confused and angry.

"You knew! You knew what I was going to do and you let me do it?" Merlin screamed unreservedly at the Dragon. "I hate myself! She hates me! All because of you!" He spat the last word like it was foul in his mouth.

"Merlin! I did not know what you would do! I cannot know what will be. I only knew how you feel about her." Merlin was irate.

"How I feel about her? What do you mean? I did what I did to save Camelot! I had to poison my friend to do so because of what you told me. What I "feel" has nothing to do with it. Why should I let you go when you lied to me? Why should I keep my promise when you would have me kill my friend?"

Now the Dragon was angry, also. "I told you what I had to tell you. What the ancient scriptures would have me say. I had NO choice."

Merlin screamed back at him. "There's always a choice! I have a choice now too. I have the power to let you stay here; trapped forever. Or I can let you destroy what I have worked tirelessly to save. Now it's my turn to bargain. Listen carefully. If I let you go, and God forbid I do, you are to leave Camelot – unharmed – and never return. Or you can waste away to your death, here, ridiculed by the man you hate so much. Now what do you say?" the dragon looked at him furiously.

"What about your mother? Would you risk her for Camelot's sake?" Merlin laughed evilly at the Dragon's words.

"Do you think you have any power over me? Over Emrys? Would you really risk angering me; the all-powerful warlock your beloved "scriptures" speak so highly – so fearfully – of? Do you want to make me angry? Or do you want to obey me?" the Dragon finally submitted under the warlock's anger. He bowed his head. "Good." Merlin stated, and he made his way down the stairs to the base of the chain. Taking a breath to steady and calm himself, he raised the sword above his head. He took one last glance at the Dragon above him, who was waiting expectantly, and struck the mighty chains with all his strength; physical and magical. With an almighty crash the chain split into two and the Dragon stretched out his wings and took off, soaring up and out of the cave. Merlin closed his eyes as a strong draft swept over him, and a voice he would likely never hear again echoed through his head.

_Thank you._

It wasn't much, but it was enough. Finally, Merlin was fulfilling his destiny.


	3. Chances

**So, Merlin finally played the "Emrys card". That was the one thing I could never figure out while watching Merlin –every sorcerer or sorceress he meets praise him as some sort of God, and he never uses this to his advantage. Why? I just can't say. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did while writing it. The next update might be in a while, as I've got a fair amount of work to catch up on.**

**Please review! If you don't I'll consider not updating.**

_Take all your chances while you can  
You never know when they'll pass you by  
Like a sum the mathematician cannot solve  
Like me trying my hardest to explain  
If I had the chance to start again  
Then you would be the one I'd come and find  
Like the poster of Berlin on my wall_

_Maybe there's a chance our walls might fall _

Morgana was fuming silently. Uther was so blind to everything going on around him. The vile man was currently fretting about some dragon that had been set free, coincidentally right after the attack on Camelot, which had somehow been stopped by a man with no brains and a traitorous disposition, and completely forgetting that not hours previously, Morgana had been poisoned, brought back from the near dead with no explanation, an army of un-dead knights had attacked the castle, and the perpetrator of the latter had disappeared without a trace. It would strike most as odd that Morgause, the woman who would stop at nothing to destroy Uther, had so given in so feebly. But no, there was the idiotic King, prancing around and fretting about the dragon that had escaped, left Camelot, and seemed unlikely to ever return.

She herself couldn't remember much about the events of the previous day – but she could only assume that Morgause had saved her from that treacherous Merlin before leaving. She didn't know why Morgause hadn't killed Uther, but she could assume there was a fair enough reason. This brought her to the question of why Merlin had poisoned her in the first place. She hadn't had any part in the events, and while she might want to hate him, she didn't think he was low enough to kill her, or at least try to, for no reason. And, if her assumptions were correct, what was the reason Merlin poisoned her? And why was it reason enough for him to kill his friend? So given that Merlin had a strong desire and motives to kill her, why had Morgause left without Morgana, and not killed Merlin or Uther? Then, she reasoned, Merlin must have convinced Morgause to leave somehow, and cured her himself. But, then, wouldn't it defeat the purpose of poisoning her in the first place? Unless the whole point behind poisoning her was so that Merlin could make Morgause leave, and then save her. But the only way that would work was if Merlin in fact had a remedy to the poison, and he couldn't have got that without telling Gaius. So Gaius was in on this as well? Presuming that Merlin wanted to use her life as a bargaining tool, and that Gaius was in on it, that still left her with the question of how they knew her life would be the only thing that stopped the onslaught. More importantly, why did it work? Morgause may be her friend, but surely the freedom of Camelot's repressed sorcerers was more important than her life?

The rest of the day passed slowly – regardless of his nonchalance about the previous day's events, Uther wouldn't let Morgana out of his sight; not even when Morgana had half a dozen personal guards. This only met that Morgana had to sit through hour upon hour of tedious war meetings, discussing the best way to combat the newly-dubbed "dragon problem". Uther refused to believe that the dragon wasn't a real threat, so now all their invaluable resources were being wasted... yet again. Then there was the added problem of the logistics of hunting a dragon – who had any dragon-fighting skills these days? Certainly no one in Camelot. And Uther had insulted everyone who could help just one too many times. The meetings ended with no real progress – in fact everyone seemed to have regressed to the "close your eyes and it'll go away" state of mind. Even if you counted realisation of futility as "progress", it still wasn't impressive. Morgana retired to her chambers with sense of doom – she knew that at least the next few days would be exactly the same.

Gwen seemed to be treating her differently that night – she moved carefully around her like she expected Morgana to shatter at the lightest touch, and remained almost silent the whole evening. It was starting to get on Morgana's nerves – she hated it when people acted like she couldn't take care of herself, but she bit her tongue and remained silent – at least Gwen slightly understood what she went through; what she was going through.

Morgana lay down on her bed, and thanked Gwen as she blew out her candle and left her chambers. Rolling over, she felt the sharp edge of a piece of parchment into her neck. Initially confused as to how it made it there (surely Gwen would have noticed something like that) she picked it up and held it up to her face. It the dark she couldn't see a thing, so she sighed as she got out of bed and shuffled away to find a match with which to light a candle. After several minutes (and several new bruises), she found a match, and soon the room was filled with light, if altogether quite dim. She turned her attention back on the parchment. As she had suspected, the parchment wasn't accidentally left on her bed it was folded neatly up, and on one side, in handwriting she didn't recognise, her name was scrawled. Who would leave a note in such an unconventional place? She turned the note over and unfolded it, burning with curiosity. Her heart skipped a beat when she read the message:

_Morgana. It's been a while since we spoke. But now we need to. Meet me in the western tunnel on the stroke of midnight._

_Merlin._

Her first thought was one of anger – _how dare he act this way after what he did to me!; _but was almost immediately replaced by a desire to know the reason behind the "urgency" of their meeting. Maybe Merlin could explain why he poisoned her, why Morgause left and even if and how he saved her. She made up her mind relatively quickly. She dressed by herself, not wanting Gwen to know where she was going. Even if Gwen didn't know what Merlin had done, she still would be suspicious when Morgana left in the middle of the night to rendezvous with a _servant._ She hurried quietly out of her chambers, extinguishing her candle and making sure not to be heard. Making her way down to the tunnel, she wondered why Merlin wanted to meet her here – surely there were more appropriate places to be discussing this matter. Unless Merlin didn't want to be found- the only people who went down the western tunnel was Arthur's patrol, once every two hours. By her guessing, the last patrol would have been at quarter to twelve; which gave her and Merlin about an hour and a half in the tunnel, give or take. She could hear the midnight bells ringing far above as she finally descended into the tunnel. She took a torch before she entered, knowing that the lights would have been extinguished to disorientate possible intruders/escapees. The tunnel was quite wide- about 6 metres across, and the light from the torch filled it up, illuminating the path ahead. She kept walking until she nearly collided with Merlin, who had been sitting and waiting in the dark.

She looked at Arthur's manservant closely. She expected him to look different somehow; to in some way be wearing the mark of his sin. She was almost disappointed when he looked exactly the same. Her only consolation was the massive bags under his eyes - he clearly had lost a night's sleep over this. Or if not this, something else; but she was just as glad anyway.

Silence brewed between them, neither wanting to speak first, lest their tongue slip and accusations fly. Merlin built up the courage first;

"Morgana." He choked, his voice thick. He couldn't even look her in the eyes. He sounded pitiful, and Morgana laughed internally at him.

"Merlin." She replied stiffly. He winced at her harsh tone and closed his eyes. There were tears on his face. This confused Morgana – why was her attacker crying? Surely he didn't feel remorse?

"You have no idea." He managed to choke out. She cocked her head at him, trying to soften the glare she could feel on her face. "How much... I regret doing what I did." This nearly sent Morgana over board – how dare he try and push off like that. He kept talking. "If I only had told you... would this even have happened?" Morgana felt almost sorry for him, in a strange way – clearly his burden was much larger than she had anticipated. Merlin seemed to be cracking, losing his mind – what on earth could he have told her that would have potentially stopped him trying to kill her. He kept rambling. "I didn't just poison you. I did other things too... I bargained with your life. I used magic on you. I set the dragon free." She noticed the slip-up just seconds after he did. Merlin's face suddenly lost all its colour, and she could feel herself getting heated. She tried to speak, forcing her words out between gritted teeth.

"You. Used. Magic. On. Me." She fumed, knuckles going white around the torch. She stepped towards Merlin dangerously, feeling her magic swell up inside her. She was going to lose control any second, and Merlin could see it. He scrambled to his feet and backed away.

"I had to! Morgause enchanted you! She was going to destroy Camelot – poisoning you to bargain with Morgause was the only thing I could do! I didn't want to! I'm sorry! I really am!" Merlin pleaded with her, but Morgana didn't care about what he said.

"Why didn't you tell me?""Tell you what?" Merlin backed into the wall, and Morgana pressed up against him, allowing the torch to singe the tips of his hair.

"That you can use magic! All this time I've been suffering. All this time I've been afraid, and you could use magic all along? Why didn't you tell me? I don't care that you used magic on me- I can understand why you did it. I just can't understand why you didn't tell me that you can use magic!" now her magic snapped, and a section of the wall further along the tunnel collapsed with an almighty crash. Morgana screamed and dropped the torch, inadvertently jumping into Merlin's arms. He, however, didn't react violently, and just wrapped his arms around her, putting his cheek on top of her head. She hyper-ventilated and sunk into him further, yet again forgetting his past deeds. He sighed; "I couldn't tell you. You were Uther's ward, the closest thing that man has to a daughter. How could I tell you when you are that close to Uther? I didn't know whether I could..." he ended his sentence there, not wanting to say it. Morgana, who was now breathing normally, however, understood, and finished his sentence for him. "You didn't know whether you could trust me." He didn't say anything, but a mutual understanding passed between them.

_Perhaps, _Morgana thought, _Perhaps I can learn to trust him again. Perhaps he can be forgiven. _

Wrapped in his arms, as comfortable as she was, Morgana noticed a more dire issue. Chuckling, she looked up at Merlin.

"Merlin. What are we going to do about this wall?"


	4. She Is The Sunlight

**Thanks for the reviews you posted, they really are appreciated. Remember – Reviews are love!**

**Anyway I've decided to ask for some suggestions for the plotline. Not because my head isn't full of ideas, but because I'd like your opinion on where you want it to go. Within reason of course. So post your opinion in your reviews and I will try to satisfy the majority of you. **

**Moving on. I don't own the rights to Merlin or any of its characters. But I wish I did.**

_And if loving her is heartache for me,_

_And if holding her means that I have to bleed,_

_Then I am a martyr,_

_And love is to blame,_

_She is the healing,_

_And I am the pain._

"Come on, Morgana!" Merlin willed her on, holding her arm in his and directing her action. "Feel it inside you, like a storm brewing in the very pits of your stomach. Concentrate."

Morgana closed her eyes again, and tried to build up that "storm". She stood facing the collapsed wall, trying with all her might to summon up a spell to fix it. Merlin had refused to fix it himself, somewhere inside his mind it had made poetic sense for her to fix, not destroy things with her magic. So, instead of fixing it quickly and escaped before the guards arrived again, he had made Morgana, who had never purposely used magic or had idea how to control it, fix the wall instead. And now they were dangerously close to running out of time and being caught by the patrol.

Merlin racked his brains for some way to get Morgana's magic to show itself. He had tried everything – describing what it should feel like, how he himself had used magic in the past. Then something occurred to him. Morgana HAD used magic before. She had unwittingly destroyed a window, and had just made that very wall collapse. If only he could recreate the circumstances in which that magic had occurred. He tried to remember what had happened. She blew the window out during a nightmare hadn't she? And she'd been furious at him when she'd made the wall collapse. He knew what he had to do, or at least try.

"Morgana!" he yelled, injecting as much fury into his voice as possible. She spun and looked at him, wondering what she had done to deserve his berating. "This isn't GOOD ENOUGH! You're supposed to be a sorceress. What good are you if you can't even clear up your own mess." He felt bad doing it, but he could see success on the horizon as Morgana started to get angry at him. He kept at his tactic. "Put some effort into it! I'm sick of being the one who has to solve everyone's problems. Now clean this goddamn mess up, will you!" He could see her brimming over with fury. He couldn't let her realise. He directed her to the wall again. "Now try again!" Morgana sent him a long, angry glare, and turned back to the wall, Merlin couldn't keep the smile of his face as she raised her arm and almost screamed at the wall.

"Deisiú!" not expecting anything to happen, she started to turn back but was distracted by the first pieces of rubble flying back up into the wall. They were soon joined soon by larger and larger pieces, flying in perfect symmetry and re-assuming their old position in the wall. It was only when the very last piece had rejoined itself to the wall that she turned around and pointed an accusing finger at Merlin.

"You knew this would happen, didn't you? You knew that would make me angry. How'd you know that it would make my magic work?" Despite her words, she sounded genuinely pleased with herself. Merlin grinned down at her.

"I didn't know it would work. I just put two and two together and went for it. You exceeded my expectations." Morgana smiled at his compliment, although unsure why. It was at that moment she heard the faint sounds of footsteps coming from where they had entered the tunnel. Merlin had a moment of realisation, and grabbed up the torch. "It's the patrol. We've got to leave now." He held out his hand to Morgana, who seemed to consider for a moment before taking it. Merlin led her up and out of the tunnel, to outside the castle walls. They put the torch out and threw it into the forest, before crouching in a darkened section of wall. Soon the patrol made its way up and out of the tunnel too, and performed a quick scan of the area before returning to the tunnel. Both Merlin and Morgana released the breath they hadn't realised they'd been holding, and Morgana looked up at Merlin who was chuckling from relief. He looked back down at her, and spoke the words he hadn't had a chance to earlier. "I never doubted you, you know." She laughed to herself at that.

"That's not the impression I was getting earlier." Silence fell between them as their eyes met. Morgana felt the feeling inside her stomach at that point, but she was certain it had very little to do with magic. The space between them got smaller and smaller, until their lips finally found each other, and now that feeling spread through every atom of her body. Nothing had ever felt so right, and nothing ever would.

Some would say that was true love's first kiss. Some would say that Morgana and Merlin were two lost souls, united by circumstance. Some would call them soul mates. Some would call them the eternal fire, the oncoming storm. some would say they're meant to be.

All this is true.

There is only one thing that they say which is a lie.

And that one thing is:

They all lived happily ever after.


End file.
